Try as I might, there are no colors coming to mind. Purple is my favorite, my daughter loves pink, Orson keeps changing his favorite color and Bill likes blue (I think–pretty sad, but when you think that I can’t remember which two days in August are the correct day for his birthday, it’s actually not surprising). We have a lovely black cat and a fat orange and white cat.
When it comes to Sarah, Lula, and Tyler, there are no colors that come to mind at first. I see Lula’s very straight blonde hair in my mind, and I realize I will never see her hair again, nor will I be in a store and see a woman with tight golden curls and think that when that woman turns around it will be Sarah.
When it comes to my past grief, I remember wearing a pink sleeveless dress with a white t-shirt under it when I confessed to Ryan that I loved him and wanted him to be my boyfriend.
I recall a back and yellow striped dress I wore to my father’s funeral. It was soft and comfortable and I recall receiving a soft grey stuffed rabbit with a soft pink ribbon in a bow around its neck.
I recall the black dress I wore to my mother’s graveside funeral. It was such a cold November day, and the days leading up to her funeral were those kind of warm and gold last autumnal gasp that I hadn’t thought much about how weather in November was supposed to be. So I ended up wearing tights and a sweater and I didn’t have an appropriate coat that fit me, so I had to wear whatever was appropriate. The cold is what I remember, and my ex coming to the funeral and helping carry my mother’s coffin to the site of the service. Everything was grey and brown and tan wet leaves and inside i felt touched by my ex helping to carry my mother’s coffin, and then torn asunder by singing her favorite hymn, ‘How Great Thou Art’.
It’s funny how when you think there’s no color, there’s always color, always something to remind you.
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