WYG: Countdown prompt

 I’M TAKING THIS COURSE ON WRITING MY GRIEF, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO WRITE ABOUT...

I have been thinking about this prompt and writing it a couple times before I actually start the course on September 13, and the idea of not writing about anything specific, like there's topics that are off limit is...limiting.

But then I thought that I would write down all the people involved in breaking my heart, either on purpose or through no fault of their own (or in some cases both), and I realized as I went through the list in my mind that there were so people who were off limits for a lot of reasons. Some of them might read what I wrote about them and it might upset them and ruin our relationships. Some of them might laugh at me because something from so long ago still hurts. And some of them seem so petty and small (and my fault) that maybe they shouldn't be on the list. So I guess there is something I'm not going to write about.

But here's the list anyway, in chronological order:

My dad

My mom

Ryan

Pablo

Jennifer

Kathy

Shawn

Shane

JC

Jeremy

Scott

Trisha

Sarah

Lula

Tyler

I am sure I missing some people and I am also sure that there are some things that I think aren't important enough to be on this list. I find it interesting that my first heartbreak outside of my parents was Ryan. I look forward to writing about him--he was my first love from 5th grade--and especially how he popped up in my mind after I hadn't thought about him in years and discovered that he had passed away right around when I had thought of him for the first time in a long time.

I think I am less likely to feel like I cannot write about something but that I can write about anything but some things are going to be more difficult to deal with in a degree of honesty. I don't want to upset anyone--I mean, I am sure that most of the people who have hurt me, even on purpose, probably didn't want to or plan to hurt me. A lot of this is related to my anxiety.

But in writing about the depth of my losses and my grief surrounding the majority of these people, I think I can finally learn to live with the grief involved.

Jeremy and Scott were particularly hard to deal with, and while I don't honestly care if they know what I really think of them, I don't want to dredge up the past. And this feels like avoidance.

So I am going to try and let whatever I write just go wherever it's going to go. I have been better with trusting my writing where it is going to go, but that is with fiction. Non fiction is going to be a whole different story.

My plan is to focus on Sarah, Tyler and Lula (and Arlo), but I am going to try and let my writing go wherever it is wanting to go.