I had rehearsal for KORCZAK'S CHILDREN last night and didn't get enough sleep. The twins got to bed late and didn't get enough sleep. School is messing with them in a serious way--both kids really want Mommy time and we don't have as much time to do things like we were doing all summer long, and I think they are having a hard time with it.
So today we were walking to school, and we were switching off who was holding my hand each block. Each block that Orson wasn't holding my hand, he whined and cried the whole way. I asked Tabby to let me hold Orson's hand the rest of the way to school and she then started whining and crying. I solved the problem by putting my travel mug of coffee in the pocket on the side of Tabby's bag and held both their hands. But the whole way I was just about in tears myself out of frustration at how badly the morning had gotten.
And after I dropped them off at their classes and started heading back home, I felt it.
I don't know how it feels for anyone else, but for me, it feels like my heart slowly starts to harden into lead and sits heavy in my chest. Then I start to feel heavy in my head too, as I slowly realize depression has returned.
To be fair, it's always been there, but the last 2 months or so has been pretty depression free (anxiety still there, but that's another story entirely). But I had one of those moments where a book changed my life.
I had gone to Goodwill in Waverly, Iowa, earlier in the summer and had gotten a copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY by Jenny Lawson for $2 on CD. I opened the package to make sure the CDs were all in good condition. It appeared that the first one was the only one listened to with some scratches, but the rest were in perfect shape. I figured someone who was definitely not one of Jenny's tribe must have had a copy of it, listened to the first one and thought NOOOOOPE but that person's nope is my YAS. I listened to it on the way to and from Waverly every day that I worked. And I felt better that I was not alone as I listened and laughed.
And then I got to it--the chapter that changed my life. Wedged between chapters entitled 'How Many Carbs are in a Foot?' and 'George Washington's Dildo' was 'Pretend You're Good at It'. In this chapter, Jenny recalls how she was struggling to record her first book LET'S PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN and she messaged her friend Neil Gaiman for advice and he returned with one phrase:
PRETEND YOU'RE GOOD AT IT
As I listened to this chapter, I felt something shift. Something that was missing showed back up, or maybe it was more like a tectonic shift that jutted a new mountain or something. I don't know. I just know that something that was supposed to be there before was suddenly there and the depression just didn't have the strength it had before.
And I went the entire summer working and realizing how much depression had stolen from me. My self worth (which I have since regained). So much time and so much writing, but I am making up for it now.
I am still working on DUSK, even after the summer working hiatus and now the fall play hiatus.
I didn't and don't miss depression, even though it had been my constant companion for like ALWAYS, and I am definitely not going to stop taking my meds, because there still is an underlying problem that can make depression re-surface and anxiety that won't go away (I'll start working on that next).
But that heavy feeling in both my brain and heart were gone. It was nice.
But after a bad morning of yelling, cajoling, frustrated whining and tears, it has decided to return.
So I have to pretend I'm good at it. I just wrote it on the inside of my arm, just like Jenny does. Because I have to. And if the depression lingers, I will just have to keep writing it on my arm.
So here is what depression is telling me right now:
* you suck as a mom because you ignore your kids and you yell at them constantly
* you suck as a writer because you are STILL working on DUSK and you haven't even gotten that far into world building
* you suck as an actor because you cannot get those lines down, no matter how hard you try
* you are just weird--none of the other moms at drop off and pick up look like you. None of them like you. None of them will be your friend.
* you suck as a housekeeper because your house is STILL a mess and you cannot get it under control
So here is what I am telling depression right now:
* I had a bad day. I don't ignore my kids. They are getting older and I don't have to be watching them every second of every day. They can entertain themselves. And they will have to listen eventually. Just try to not yell. You're only human and everyone has bad days.
* you don't suck as a writer because you have been working continuously on one project for the longest time you ever have. that is a huge accomplishment. This year will be the third NaNoWriMo I will work on this novel. That is something on its own.
* I am not the best actor, but I am trying. And also, that line is super hard.
* I want more mom friends, but if any mom is turned off by my freak flag, oh well.
* i worked all summer. Bill has had health issues all summer. And the kids have been home all summer. All of that has conspired to make a mess. It's fine. I'll fix it soon.
I thought writing this out would help and it did. Kind of. I am going to try and not dwell on this and write. And study my lines. And enjoy THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE while it's still on Netflix.
Bring it on.
