WYG Day 1: Who was the person you used to be?

Who was the person you used to be?

It’s really difficult to not bring in works from other people into these proceedings. One of my ways of communicating is by memes, the other is by song lyrics and quotes from television and movies, butI am going to attempt to muddle through without them (I can definitely do that, but it’s just going to make me work extra hard). 

Who was I before July 22nd, 2022 at around 9 p.m. (based on when I posted the news on Facebook)? I am honestly trying to remember. It’s only been two months and one would think that I could remember who I was two months ago, but time already had no meaning to me before COVID, and then COVID happened, and then two years later, this happened.

I was (and still am) struggling with anxiety, although mostly my depression is under control, except where it peeps out every once in a while during this intense season of grief. I was (and still am) struggling with being a mom, working part time, being a writer, trying to keep the house (badly), trying to re-arrange the house to better accommodate stuff and my family (sort of badly). Basically I was struggling before, volunteering on our city’s art and culture board and planning a run for school board next falls, and I struggle still.

There’s something different to my struggle now, though. Ever since Sarah, Lula and Tyler were murdered, I have been more about spending time with my kids (even if I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I would like). I am trying to spend more time talking to my friends and family (even if the same problem with the kids exist for this enterprise). 

I am still hard on myself, but I am trying to not be as hard on myself. I managed to catch COVID last month, and during those days where our entire family was sick (we were all okay, it wasn’t too bad), I spent time relaxing with the kids, and it was actually nice. But as soon as we were all COVID negative, I was bad to being hard on myself. I anxiety-ed about EVERYTHING AGAIN: do I have long covid? Do the kids have long covid? Why am I not over Sarah, Lula and Tyler? 

Of course, I know the answer to not being over Sarah, Lula and Tyler: I won’t ever be. And that’s actually ok. Some days are harder than others, but one thing I am learning to be with myself is gentle and kind. My inner monologue has a tendency to run toward being angry and mean to me all the time. I discovered that when I was doing ‘The Artist’s Way’, that my inner monologue sounded like my half-sister, Kathy, which explained a lot (the family I was born into is problematic at best). So my inner monologue hasn’t changed exactly, but I do try to get in there and calm it down. There’s no reason to add more pain and suffering to an already deep and intense amount of pain and suffering.

I feel like I am not answering this prompt very well; the last few days have been rought and my son had a three hour tantrum last night that made sleeping difficult and my sleeping has already not been great. I feel like the dynamics of my entire family changed after July 22, 2022 at 9 p.m. The kids are struggling (but that could be because of hormonal shifts that are occurring, plus them becoming summer feral right before school started due to COVID, and starting third grade), I am struggling (see everything above and what will come after), and my husband is struggling (with the kids and with me and his job and our house).

So who was I before? A mom, a writer, a wife, a person with mental health illness.

Who am I now? All of that is still true, but now I have this extra spectre that is following me around (and to be honest, this new spectre is just hanging around with older spectres of grief from the past), and while it felt insurmountable, I realize that there is not something that I have to surrmount. It’s something I need to learn to live with, to honor and to grow with and in.

I am interested to see who I am again at the end of these 30 days.