So It Goes

 I believe I mentioned it before, but will again in case I didn't--I have been working on a novel, DUSK, which is now called MAGICAL BODIES, for five years. 

I am now in the part where I start to blend the two novel drafts together, make several characters who were too similar to each other in personality or story, and hammering out a new plot.

When I was last writing, I was writing a character who is just basically anger incarnate. And i want her to go away. I am not certain she really helps the plot at all, and I am not sure her magical powers will serve anyone well at all. The only way it could work would be for her to have a change at the end where she starts using her anger for good, but at this point, I cannot see her doing this. She's had a hard life, and she's angry for all the things that have happened to her, her family, and those around her. And she wants them to pay. 

I dunno, I had to stop writing her and I haven't had a chance to move back to it since. And her anger has been bothering me.

This coincided with Meat Loaf's untimely and unneeded death from COVID-19, so I was already angry about that. I channeled that anger into this character, but the absolutely depth of the anger was much deeper than I wanted to go at that moment. 

But I know I need to go there. If this character is to be saved and if she has anything to actually add to the plot, I have to explore the depths of her anger. And it's scary.

So I think I am going to just put a pin in her story for the moment. I have some edits and some notes to put in for when I come back to it, but i think I am done with that chapter for the moment.

I think this is what is going to happen: I am going to continue working on the novel and blending and tossing things out, and what I need to do with her is just going to show up when I do more work with other characters because that's how things have been seeming to work for the last 5 years. I guess we will see.

I just started reading 'Slaughthouse Five' for the first time, and it's just an odd, strangely engaging book. So far, there's been a lot of reading in circles with these characters, which to me is quite interesting and telling of the character wanting to write a book about Dresden, and then seemingly out of nowhere, Vonnagut will come up with these deep amazing truths and smack you in the face with them. I think I like it. If anything, I am learning from it. And I guess that's the point.

A Love Letter to our Baby-Klepto: Glendale from CENTAURWORLD

 

Meet Glendale.

Glendale by Claire Hummel

https://twitter.com/shoomlah

She's a a gerenuktaur, one of the main centuars (tm) from Centuarworld now streaming on Netflix. She's one of five mismatched centuars (tm) in her herd. She has anxiety so bad she has to use her words and breathe in a bag to calm down; she's also a kleptomaniac who has a portal tummy, which definitely comes in handy when she steals to feel alive.

 She has stolen my heart and tucked it away in her portal tummy.

From the first moment I saw her bouncing her head up and down and having a nervous breakdown, I realized how much of myself i saw in her.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression in 2006 after having suffered with it for most of my life. Pretty sure my mom had it. Definitely sure my dad had it. I took drugs, i did talk therapy, and it helped. But in 2016, I was working a lot as a food service employee at our local college. I found a copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY by Jenny Lawson on CD at Goodwill and was listening to it while driving the half hour to and from work. It was summer. I had a pair of twins and I was honestly having a terrible struggle with my mental health after having the twins 2 years prior. And basically my depression chilled out when I listened to the chapter where Jenny was attempting to do the audio book for her first book, LET'S PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN. During this chapter, she called Neil Gaiman (as one does) to ask for advice on how to do the audiobook because she was struggling hard. He told her 'pretend you're good at it', and that has stuck with me ever since.

But then peri-menopause showed up and my anxiety went through the roof. Nothing really helped. All I could do is fret, fret and fret.

And then I see Glendale, and 

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SEASON 2 OF CENTUARWORLD, FOR REAL, STOP READING RIGHT NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT , YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

and she uses her anxiety for something good! She and her herd are attempting to recruit the rest of the centuars (tm) to fight the Nowhere King. And then end up with a bunch of Coldtaurs, who, for a variety of ridiculous reasons, have decided to side with the Nowhere King.

Glendale uses her anxiety to talk them out of it. 

And it gave me pause--if Glendale could use her anxiety for something good, so could I.

And that was the moment she became my hero.

My anxiety is not gone. It's not necessarily better, but you know what? Knowing that I am not the only one who has anxiety goes a long way. Knowing that there are others out there who might side with scary things because they are familiar and seem safe because the unknown is obviously scarier than a creature that is attempting to destroy both the worlds it can get access to, makes a huge difference. Talking to others about my mental illness might help others. It can be used for something good--that is what I learned from Glendale.

CENTUARWORLD is full of characters like Glendale--extremely odd, filled with trauma and problems, who all do something with the bad hand they were given--and help their herd to become better horses, centuars (tm) and people. There's so much about friendship and love and trauma and doing what it takes to get to the people you love and being true to who you are, and loving your magical body....what I wrote about Glendale is only one of the many beautiful aspects of this show. 

Glendale's song, BREATHE IN A BAG, from the second season particularly gets me. And I try to remember to sing it as my strange battle cry when the anxiety gets to be too much. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpLt3RwVJRg

"Will you stand with me, and fly this anxious flag?"

Absolutely, Glendale. And thank you.