Sunday, June 23, 2013

Plans Fall Apart

I am trying SO HARD to be zen about this, but it's hard.

I really have tried hard to keep my personal life and my writing life separate, but clearly, at least for now, that is going to have to change. It is no secret I have depression and anxiety, mostly of the social anxiety variety. I've had it my whole life. About eight years ago, I hit bottom and I ended up going on meds--Effexor to be exact. The freedom I felt on Effexor was amazing. My brain felt balanced, I could write, and I felt less depressed and anxious. The drugs and talk therapy did wonders for me. Recently I changed meds, and zoloft, unfortunately, only covers half of what Effexor does for me, so I am extra spacey these days and more easily distracted--kind of like I was before I started Effexor in the first place.

I could switch back, but honestly, the switching to zoloft was so terrible because Effexor has the WORST withdrawal side effects, that if I switch back, I want it to be for good. So here I am, still on the zoloft and still easily distracted.

Yesterday and today was supposed to be for only working on A DEATH IN THE FAMILY. I had written up my notes, read my articles, did my research and it was time to actually dig in and write.

Then, about a MILLION different thoughts were crowded into my brain. This is why it's hard to work on my writing. I can't seem to focus on just one thing, and I get overwhelmed.

I believe this is because of the zoloft--I have no doubt about it. When I was on Effexor, I didn't have this problem, but now...

So I will try and muddle through--I did do some writing yesterday and tweaked a few things. I guess I just need to try and go with the flow and just work on it as much as I can.

Clearly, until my meds change, this is how it will be. I can be miserable because my brain isn't functioning the way it was before and not write and long for the good old days when I could write, write, write, or I can just go with how my brain is working right now, and write, and at least be writing.

I think that is more important now.

A DEATH IN THE FAMILY will be finished by not in a weekend. I will just keep plugging away at it.

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