I want to remember seeing you for the first time. We were at the library, the very one you would be working for when you were on vacation and were murdered. I remember seeing your amazing dark blonde curls, and Arlo with his sweet bouncy curls and Lula with her stick straight hair and her expressions that made me laugh so much. I remember us both walking quickly around the library, chasing a stray child; we smiled at each other as we passed by each other. Finally we were near the playhouse, and the kids were happily playing in there, and we had a moment to talk. I took a chance and gave you one of my playwright business cards. And that is how our friendship started.
I want to forget the moment when Kiedra messaged me at work and the first thing I saw about your murder was her saying “I thought you knew her”. Frantically, I logged into my laptop and the first thing I saw was the library posting that they would be closed the next day due to the death of a colleague. And then I saw Keidra’s message, and then it was, ‘No, no, no, no. no!” as I pulled up the news and saw it. I had seen earlier in the day that the murders that had happened at Maquoketa Caves Camping Area were of three people from the same family from Cedar Falls. It bothered me, but I soon was at work where I was absorbed in what I was doing. And then I was chanting ‘no, no, no. no’ and then I was crying when I saw the names: Sarah, Tyler and their six year old daughter, Lula. I want to forget the moment that I felt the world ripped apart and suddenly knew what an out of the ordinary horror felt like.
I want to remember standing with you almost every day after school on the playground to pick up the kids from school. I want to remember laughing and being annoyed by having to be there, but I actually really enjoyed it because it was my time to spend with friends while my kids got their crazies out. We would talk about what our plans were for upcoming weekends and holidays. I want to remember going to Hurts Donuts on opening day. I want to remember going to Cottonwood Canyon.
I want to forget that I will never see my friend again. That thought is so terrible I just can’t deal with it. I saw her during the week before the camping trip at the library. My kids were running amok and I escaped the kids’ section in order to talk to my friend. We discussed upcoming plans since summer was basically over. She mentioned going camping to the caves and I ended up leaving not long after, waving goodbye to her as I ran after the kids. I waved goodbye for the last time and I didn’t even know it was the last time.
I want to remember her excitement about her job at the library. I want to remember doing the macrame class that she was the library staff member for. I want to remember that she was so proud of organizing so much of the summer library program. I want to remember her love for her kids and the outdoors.
I want to forget seeing what the cause of death was for her, Lula and Tyler. I don’t want to repeat it here because it’s bad enough that it’s in my brain. It wasn’t the worst possible thing that could have happened in the big picture, but it was pretty terrible because it was exactly what I had envisioned and had hoped was not what happened. I want to forget being so angry with the shooter. I want to forget being so angry at the shooter’s mom who said that she was convinced that her son would never do something like that (which is normal for a mom to say after something like this) but I almost lost it when she said that Arlo told them that the man shooting at his family was in green and her son was wearing black (Arlo happened to run straight to the shooter’s mom as they were camping not far from where his family was). Additionally, she claimed they had only one gun with them and it was locked up, and then he ended up using a ghost gun to kill my friend, her husband and their daughter–and his mother claimed he had lost his fascination with guns and was using their gun for protection. I now understand that she was probably in denial as she had lost someone she loved as well, but I don’t see how she could muddy the waters of what had happened with this crap. I wanted to drive to Nebraska and give her a piece of my mind.
I want to remember the bittersweet joy that came from the celebration of life. Working on the blanket I am still crocheting, crocheting for the first time since my kids were born over 8 years ago. This helped comfort me and kept my anxiety to a minimum. I sat among the members of our Lincoln Elementary family, next to my friend, Jessica. She laughed later when I told her I didn’t have any kleenex with me and she said she should have shared hers. We talked to people after the celebration was over, and we ended up walking the tree back to our friend, Shannon’s, car to take the tree to Jessica’s house for safe keeping for the rest of the summer. The laughter and joy we felt walking along with a tree in a pot made me feel like Sarah was with us, and laughing wherever she is now.
I want to forget the lump I felt in my throat on the first day of school when Sarah wasn’t there, and I didn’t want to go home right away or be alone, so I drove around the cemetery I knew Sarah, Lula and Tyler were buried in, attempting to find their graves. The graves were not listed online yet and I didn’t want to ask the family where I could find their graves, so I thought, I will drive around until I find them. I felt so silly–do you know how many fresh graves there can be in a medium sized cemetery? A lot, that’s how many. Plus the grounds guys were working on things, and I just didn’t want to be a bother or look like a weirdo, so I went home. I know Sarah was laughing, again, wherever she is now.
I want to remember seeing Arlo for the first time since the deaths of his mother, father and sister, and the relief I felt that he looked okay. He was with his grandmother, and he looked taller, a bit older, but like any other kid walking into school on backpack night. I said hello to him but I knew he didn’t recognize me with my mask on, and even without he might not have. But I was glad to see that he appeared okay.
I want to forget about what Arlo might have experienced and seen. Nothing more besides the causes of deaths was released from the police report. There was nothing released about how Arlo was able to survive and what he experienced. I want to forget that he was observed being alone with the police, standing there, no one taking care of him. The thought of him having survived what he survived, seeing what he had seen, and then there was no one there holding his hand or comforting him, that just hurt so much.
I want to forget that I realized I didn’t see Lula at backpack night. I want to forget her birthday sneaking up on me.
I do want to remember who Sarah, Lula and Tyler were. I want to remember their love for each other. I want to remember that they left the world a better place when they were taken all too soon from us. I want to remember Arlo is still here,, a piece of Sarah and Tyler’s hearts still up and walking around. And that his heart is probably quite quite broken. I hope that he is getting the help he needs. I hope he knows he was loved.
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