Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Saying Goodbye to November

National Playwriting Month is almost half over, and this year I stepped down from being moderator. I had to. It wasn't that I didn't like the program anymore, I just wasn't trusting in my own work and my own abilities so it was hard to feel very cheerleader-y about everyone else's work. Why encourage others when I can't even encourage myself.

Creative blocks suck. This is my post from today.

For many of you who know me personally, or read my blog, or are friends with me on facebook, you know that I have had an ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. Recently, we started futzing with my meds in order to get me ready to have a baby.
Switching meds is a wholy difficult process. First they take you down to a lower dosage (for about two weeks for me) and then the old meds stopped working and things got hard. I couldn't get stuff done. Forget writing, just getting the housework done was enough for me. And even that didn't get done frequently. My husband, my loving, supportive angel, would sometimes bug me about it and I would feel worse. I would feel worse because i know it's a problem and I am trying to stay strong and have it not be a problem. Then we got the new med on board. Things are looking up, but I am still struggling with writer's block. BIG TIME.
I am conceding defeat this year. I am simply swamped with other things and not being able to keep up with NaPlWriMo is the nail in the coffin so to speak. I am going to focus on working on my other stuff, and give this a go again next year.
Writer's block, I have decided, is definitely an aspect of my depression. It's funny because for the LONGEST time I was afraid of going on a med, simply because i thought a med would make it impossible for me to write. I was wrong, and now it's hard when the meds are all over the place. My writer's block, as I have mentioned before and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to, falls into a voice in my head telling me I'm terrible. And I get an emotional clog in my heart when just makes my chest feel heavy with impossibilities.
When I joined you guys back in 2008, I was in a pretty not good state: Arkansas. I was lonely. I had a terrible job and really all I had was the internet, a future husband, two cats and a really awful job. No friends to speak of. All I had was writing. A speaking engagement by Suzan-Lori Parks helped me along through this and then finding you guys. It was a blessing I cannot measure. Now I am back in my adopted home state of Iowa, I have a wonderful husband, a much better job and great friends. I have been involved with theatre more locally and that is great. The life transitions am dealing with are just more than I've dealt with before.
This is not goodbye. I am going to check in a lot during the month, just to see how everyone else is doing.
Thanks for reading if you got all the way to the bottom of this, and I will see you in the crash.
Break a leg everyone!

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